The Vaguest of Memories
by bittersaccharine
Summary: Arthur has a lot on his mind. Francis invites him to a dinner party to which both Antonio and Alfred are going to, and this floods his brain with the recollections of his youth that he fears might fade away. Arthur wants to be closer to him but... Oneshot for SpUK/Rated T for Language


The waves just touching the shore felt cold and soothing on my bare feet. The gentle sea breeze swept my hair backwards. As I walked along the shore, my eyes narrowed on a vague figure of a man with a light tan and uncouth hair, which looked like waves of chocolate and hazel strands, sitting on the sand. I squinted and rubbed my eyes checking whether or not what I see was real. I moved closer—inch by inch, my heart raced hoping what I see is what I believe is someone I have lost, or more accurately, someone I realized I longed for but never really got a hold of. As he sat several feet away from me, I begin to realize he was just someone who looked somewhat like him. Ah, what a shame. I felt my heart drop the instant I realized it wasn't him. He must of thought I was some creep. I'll just walk away with the remains of my dignity.

I shivered as the cool breeze embraced my skin.

Suddenly I felt like a kid again… all alone but free. 

* * *

><p>I dreamt of sailing the seven seas to see what the world has to offer. Yes, I believed the world could be mine. The world would be on the palm of my hand. Built myself a ship and found myself a crew—I was ready to explore the depths of the world and conquer whatever and whomever. Of all the exploits and treasures I've come to receive, there was one that I could never triumph over… that someone was on the other ship waiting to sink my ship, steal what was mine, and bring me to his mercy.<p>

Ruthless, fearless, and merciless, he pointed his lance and smirked. "My, my, what a pleasure to have made your acquaintance, _mi amigo_." He lifted his face up and I could finally see him clearly; his sea green eyes came to life and looked at me with smugness and his tanned olive skin that marked his long days under the hot Mediterranean sun.

"Ah, but the pleasure is all mine." I drew my sword in reply.

He laughed heartily. "Are we going to talk or are we going to dance?" His lance clashed with mine and ringed together in harmony. We scuttled over the deck and he cornered me by the ledge, pointing his lance to my throat, almost pushing me overboard. Heaven forbid will I allow him to have the upper hand. I swooshed out of the way and clashed swords with him once more. The adrenaline rushed through my veins. I have never been so… exhilarated. We fought until exhaustion. At the moment I thought I had won our little skirmish, he showed off his cheeky little smirk. "I am sorry to cut short our encounter, Captain Arthur. It really has been a pleasure. Make sure you don't forget my name, because I'll surely be back. _Cejas gruesas! Adios… y gracias._" He leaped off the ledge and made a splash. Good heavens, did he just call me Thick Brows? Confused, I approached my crew. One of the ship mates ran towards me yelling, "Captain! Captain! Most of ye gold are stolen!" Drat, I should have known that scallywag had much tricks up his sleeve. As his ship faded into the horizon, I yelled to sky in frustration, "Damn you, Antonio!"

I think I've gotten myself a rival.

The next time around, I've gotten him all tied up. He's got the treasure we sought and he's got a hefty price looming on his head. I lifted his chin up with my foot. Yes, I've got a full view of his face, looking desperate and troubled. His green eyes look at me with contempt as he tried to wriggle himself free from his shackles. The bruises and cuts on his arms and legs is a tell tale sign of his failure and lack of composure. I cackled and whispered to his ear, "Give us the goddamn treasure and we'll both be on our merry way." His smoldering green eyes followed me as I withdrew. Finally, revenge.

"Now, now, don't look at me like that, I can see disdain in your eyes." I scoffed.

"I can see arrogance in your smile." Antonio retaliated.

Ah, it was good to be young.

* * *

><p>I walked back to my residence and dusted off the sand between my toes on the back deck of the house. The phone rang and (not) to my surprise, it was Francis calling to tease me again, like as if he doesn't already do this every week. After the teasing he went on yakking on about some party. "Hey, would you like to come over for dinner? I'm going to crack open some great wine from the cellar… Oh Gil, Yao, Kiku, Feliciano, Ludwig, Alfred, and Matthew will be here too!"<p>

"That's a lot of people. If I'm going to be a part of your entertainment, then I'll pass."

"Oh come on, we'll just have a few drinks, that's all. You've been busy and lonely lately so I thought you could use the company." Francis actually almost sounded sincere.

"I think I'm still going to pass on your offer." I replied.

There was a short beep on his end of the line. I could hear Gilbert's boisterous chuckle. "Hey Francis, Antonio's gonna come!"

Francis told Gil, _"C'est génial!_ That's great! The more the merrier!"

After overhearing this, I gave it some thought. Maybe it won't be so bad to make it to Francis' dinner party. Blasted, I have to make it sound like I'm uninterested so I don't feed him satisfaction. "What did you say?"

"_Pardon mois,_ I was talking to Gil just now. Were you saying something?"

"Yeah, I was saying I guess I could go to your stupid party. It beats staying home and lounging around watching the news."

"Knew you'd come around." I could feel that he is smirking at his end. "Dinner's at seven! Well, see you later, Thick Brows!" Here we go again with the nickname. Bloody hell, would they ever stop?

Before the dinner, I dropped by the bakery to buy some scones and cakes. I hopped on into the car and drove up to Francis' estate. If there were one word that could describe the estate, it would probably be flamboyant. The manor had intricate embellishments and fancy furnishings that show off his attention to detail. I wouldn't say it was the most practical house but it sure was well decorated. It stood on a hilltop surrounded by trees and shrubbery and overlooked the city. I rang the doorbell. Francis excitedly opened the door. Then he looked at me like as if I was a big let down. "Oh it's just you. Come on in then!"

"You fucking invited me, at least try to be more enthusiastic about it." I remarked. "Here, I brought scones." I shoved him the box of pastries. He looked at me with utter horror. "I bought it from the store." I mentioned. Francis gave a massive sigh of relief and went to the kitchen and placed it on the dinner table. Is my cooking really that bad? Walking down a long hallway lined with elegant oil paintings of the countryside and a red carpet that led all the way to the receiving room. Looks like I wasn't the first one here. Feliciano and Kiku are already catching up with each other while bothering Ludwig. Sometimes I feel sorry for Ludwig for having to put up with it but then again he seems happy that these two are always around. Fuck, it beats being alone. To Ludwig's left is Roderich sophisticatedly drinking tea, who probably tagged along after Francis' request. I wish you good luck of trying to get out of Francis' radius of flirtation. Ludwig's brother, Gilbert comes by to pick on Roderich, as usual.

I sat down in the far corner by the window. Kiku noticed me sit down and made his way to greet me. "Hello, Arthur-san. It's been a while." He said calmly. "I didn't think you'd be going to one of Francis' dinner parties."

I laughed. I was in awe at myself too. "Well, Francis was very insistent. But now that you think about it, I'm very wary of what he'll do next."

Kiku gave a short chuckle. "Aren't we all?" We laughed for a bit. He poured me a cup of tea. "Francis isn't that bad though. He's always so kind and generous and I appreciate that he always invites to these kind of things."

Although he teases me and we don't always get along, I hate to admit it but Kiku was right. "You're right but I'd rather Francis not hear that I said that." I smiled. The doorbell rang once more to reveal Alfred and Matthew. Francis leaped for joy at the sight of Matthew, hugging his 'son' telling him to visit more often. They started talking in French. Alfred slaps me at the back. "Dude, like long time no see ya lonely island!" He exclaimed.

"Alfred, I thought I taught you better manners."

Not long after, Antonio came with Lovino by his side. Lovino, utterly appalled by Francis, made a face. 

* * *

><p>Francis and I fought over his custody. Alas, I won the right to raise Alfred while he found himself Matthew. Alfred was still so young. Every now and again I'd see Francis take Matthew out for a stroll while Alfred played in the fields of green. Whenever they spotted us, they'd come over so Al and Matthew could play. Alfred always played rough and Matthew, well, was just good at putting up with it. One day we all ate lunch under the big oak tree. Francis made delicious cakes and meals for us, and when I mean us, I meant just Alfred. He gave me just a flask juice just to tease me.<p>

It was that day Francis had decided to invite Antonio. He walked up the hill bearing tomatoes for Francis. Antonio waved at him happily. _"Bonjour, _Antonio! Where's Lovino?"

"He said he wanted to visit Feliciano at Roddy's house. Elizaveta promised she'll take care of him for me." He smiled. Then his sparkling sea green eyes met mine. When was the last time we crossed paths, my old rival and I? Up until now he's still tense when he's around me. Antonio tries to shake it off by chatting with Francis. "I brought you tomatoes I just harvested from the fields." He laid the basket down and sat next to Francis.

Alfred came back to me and dug his face into my chest. He looked up at me and smiled. Suddenly, we heard a cry in the forest. "Matty?" Alfred looked towards the forest and rushed to Matthew.

"_Sacre bleu!_ I'll be right back." Francis told us. "Matthew, Papa's coming!" He ran after Alfred and followed him. Somehow I was left alone with Antonio. The air became dense almost instantaneously. "I see Alfred's quite attached to you." He broke the ice first. Antonio avoided my eyes and looked to the sky.

"You think? I worry that I'm not fit to be his guardian." I replied honestly. "I took care of my brothers and yet they all hate me and I'm anxious that Al might turn out to be the same."

"You're doing fine by me." I turned to look at him. It was the first time I've ever seen him genuinely smile at me and bloody hell, it warms my heart to see him smile.

"Well, you're not so bad yourself, Thick Brows." His smile turned to a smirk.

"God, you're still calling me that?"

"Si, Cesas gruesas."

* * *

><p>"Sorry for the short notice, Francis! Here, I brought you paella!" He smiled brightly.<p>

"Antonio, _mon amie,_ it's always a pleasure to have you around! Plus, Gil wanted to drink with ya again." Francis nudged him with his elbow and they laughed together. Inside joke? I've really got to stop listening to their codswallop it's very stalker-ish of me.

Alfred snapped his fingers inches from my eyes. "Dude, what are you looking at?" He beamed at me. Bloody hell, I forgot he was next to me. "You've been out of whack lately, y'know. Are you that lonely, bro?"

I shrugged. "I am not lonely," I explained, "I just have a lot going on in my head." He poured me some tea.

He hesitated a bit until he finally came out and said, "Hey, about that time I umm…"

"Do you really like me that way, Alfred?" 

* * *

><p>Alfred took me over to Coney Island one sunny afternoon. He walked me around the boardwalk and took me to the rides at the amusement park. Although he was as the happy-go-lucky kid I've always known him to be, a part of me can't shake off the feeling that he's anxious about something. "Look Arthur! Let's go on that one!" He pointed at the roller coaster and grabbed me by the wrist. Alfred, dragging me along, dashed towards the roller coaster.<p>

"Oi, I get it, I get it! We're going on the ride. You don't have to drag me… I taught you how to behave didn't I?" I pulled back my wrist and caused him to let go of his grip.

"It ain't one of those days we go out and have formal dinners with the officials and political figures, Eyebrows. It's one of those fun days out so no need to be formal for it." He beamed at me. 'Fun days out' is not really my thing. My ideal Saturday afternoon often includes a cup of Earl Grey with milk and two sugar cubes, a good book, and a comfortable spot to lounge in, but of course I didn't tell him that. I can feel him tense up whenever he holds me so I guess I'll just let it slip.

The line grew shorter and soon enough we were riding up front. He pulled down the safety bar and a seconds later the car started to move up the slope. The children in the back were starting to build up their screams, which will come full blast as the car is pulled downward. We were at the apex of the coaster and they were already screaming in anticipation. Alfred had me raise my arms along with him as the car zoomed down the slope. "WOOOHOOOO!" Alfred howled. I felt my stomach drop—the adrenaline's starting to kick in.

We rode several more rides. He took me to the Ferris wheel, which showed the view of Brooklyn on one side and the Atlantic on the other. Then he took me to the bumper cars where he intentionally crashes into me every fifteen seconds. Afterwards he bought us soft ice cream and cotton candy at the famous Coney Island boardwalk. We continued to walk down the boardwalk until Alfred stopped in his tracks. I turned to him and he just looked at me with determination in his eyes. "Arthur, I like you."

I paused and tried to process what he was saying. "I like you too, Alfred."

"No, not like that," he explained, "I mean I'm into you. I'm really into you."

He caught me off guard and I was rendered speechless. My mouth opened but no words came out of it. It suddenly became tense between us. He was anxiously waiting for my answer and I… I couldn't give him anything. "I–I–I…" I stammered.

"I've grown up Arthur. If you're willing to have me, then please, I'm all yours." He made a firm stand. There was no going back.

"Yeah, I know."

"So why can't we…" Alfred asked.

I was at my limit. I burst out saying, "Because I don't know! I don't know what I _want,_ I don't know what _to do_, I don't know what _to feel_—about anything for that matter. I'm sorry, I love you as my friend, my brother, my child, but something more I'm not so sure." I turned away from him. "You deserve someone who's sure of their feelings, Al, someone who'll take care of you and love you more than I can."

I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had to leave. This was too much.

My uncertainty was killing him.

My indecisiveness was killing me.

* * *

><p>Alfred sighed. "When you're ready, I'll be here. I'll wait for you."<p>

I couldn't bear to look at him. In that instant I wonder why I came to this party anyway. I raised Alfred myself—I don't want to ruin our relationship. "Let's all have dinner, everybody!" Francis exclaimed. He led us to the dining hall. The extravagant glass chandelier dangling from above lighted the room brightly and a dark wood table extended towards the other end of the hall—it could seat around twenty people. The table was already set with mouthwatering courses and appetizers like escargot and potato gratin—don't ever tell Francis I said that. One could not miss his most famous duck confit in the middle. There was a dish that stood out, since it was the only one Francis did not cook. The paella Antonio brought was served in the metal pan Antonio brought it in.

Gilbert was already seated on the left of the head. Francis sat at the head of the table and took Roderich by the wrist and had him sit to his right. Gilbert seemed pleased with this arrangement while Roderich stared Ludwig down—I assumed he was mentally asking him to sit next to him. Ludwig sighed and obliged. With Ludwig seated, Feliciano followed and so did Lovino. I searched for an empty seat, one that was as far away from Francis and Alfred as possible. Kiku saw me and gestured to take the seat next to him. I was thankful for that.

Even to the dinner table, Antonio was late. He found a seat next to Lovino, which happened to be the one across mine. Francis clinked his wine glass, stood and raised his glass. "To our friendship, our past full of memories, and a future of more fun times and memories to make!" He made a toast. Everyone cheered to his toast. We looked each other cheered. I took a sip of the well-aged red wine when Antonio turned to me, smiled and raised his glass to me. I raised my glass in return and we both drank.

I glanced at their happy faces. It's been a long time since we were all at war with each other. Back in the day I had to fight side by side with Francis, Yao, and Alfred, well, them and Ivan, who's not around at the moment. I didn't think I'd have friends like Kiku, who happened to be in the other side of the battlefield. My rival, though, had always been my rival, though, it seems we share tread the same paths and share the same burdens.

* * *

><p>Our lances clashed once more. Antonio pushed me aback. He swings fast and I barely dodged it. He lunges forward. I step back and accidentally step on a hand. It gave me a jolt of disgust. I sighed and stepped away. "Antonio, let's stop this."<p>

"Why should I listen to you?" He spits in disapproval.

"Because I don't think it's worth it. Also, we've got to stop engaging in Francis' fights."

He pauses to contemplate his surroundings. Bodies lay everywhere in a pool of blood and the sky looked red. "You're probably right."

"It's been fun, being on par with you once more." I withdrew my sword.

"Same here." And he with his.

"Let's settle this once and for all?"

_"Si."_

* * *

><p>In the inner parlor, the rest went off drinking. Gil, Francis, and Antonio were all singing while chugging down some alcohol. Ludwig had just refilled his mug of beer while Feliciano was serving people more wine. "Back in the day," Francis uttered, "when we were little, Artie used to follow me around and tried to copy me. He had me down to the hairstyle, that one." He drunkenly told the rest of the trio. Gilbert smacked the bar counter in laughter and Antonio laughed his guts out. Before they continued making fun of me, I decided to leave the intoxicated alone.<p>

I took a breather, made some tea, and went to the outer parlor, where

Roderich was playing a sonata on Francis' grand piano. I poured him a cup and placed it near him. "Thank you," he said. "Why aren't you out drinking with the rest?" He sipped the tea like a true aristocrat.

"Drinking is not my thing. The last time I went out drinking with Alfred and Gilbert, I said things I shouldn't have and made a fool of myself." I sat down on the lounge chair and poured myself some tea with two sugar cubes. "Why aren't you drinking with them?" I sipped.

Roderich scoffed. "Me, drinking with those inebriated fools? That's a laugh. The last thing I want is to have Gil make me chug down several pints of beer or Francis be all over me. Not to mention, when Antonio is way too under the influence, he would subconsciously revert to his old self, and I'm pretty sure you are familiar with his old self way too well." He put down his empty cup of tea down and positioned his hands on the keys. "I applaud you. Sobriety is usually the better choice."

"Is that why you chose it?" I laughed.

"No, it's more to my refined tastes." He smirked and continued playing what seems to be Chopin.

It was around midnight when people were starting to head home. Feliciano and Lovino went home first. Then Roderich, along with Ludwig carrying an inebriated Gil like a sack of potatoes on his shoulders, bid them a farewell.

Kiku and Yao mention a conference later in the morning then they bowed in respect. "Thank you for inviting us to your home." Kiku said.

"I hope you all will come visit when the lantern festival in a few weeks!" Yao adds.

"Sounds delightful. Have a safe trip home." I told them.

I was heading out myself when Antonio clumsily made his way to the door. "I think Francis wouldn't mind if you stayed the night." I said.

"N-no," He stammered. "It would be stepping on his kindness. I'm f-fine. I can g-g-go home by my-myself."

There was no way I was going to leave him there. Minutes later he passes out. I put his arm around me and carried him like this to the car. My place wasn't far off from Francis' so I just took him home with me (mostly because I had no idea where Antonio lived and I'd probably get lost in his neck of the woods). As soon as we got there, I carried him off to my bed and tucked him in. I moved over to the living room, arranged the couch and dropped face first onto it. I was caught by the soft fluffy cushions underneath.

I woke up to the warmth of sun shining on my face. I went to check on Antonio and it seems like he was still fast asleep. Since there was no need to bother him, I went outside on the balcony, to look at the view.

Antonio wakes up with a jolt and scares the living daylights out of me. "Where am I?" He asks. _"Dios mio,_ I'm having a terrible hangover."

I walk back into the room and tell him, "You're in my house by the shore."

"Ah, the one in the city. I remember that." He tells me.

"Come, I'll cook you some breakfast."

Antonio got out of bed in a split second and offered without hesitation, "I'll cook the breakfast, or brunch, or whatever meal we're having."

"Are you sure you want to? You did say you were having a hangover."

"It's okay. It's kinda subsiding anyway." He laughed.

He remembered the way to the kitchen and took out some of my unused pans. The last time Antonio was here, I had asked him for advice about something. I'm surprised he still remembers where everything was placed. He rummaged through my fridge and gathered random ingredients, which may or may not be random after all. He heated the skillet and tossed around shrimps in garlic oil. He did it so quickly in ease. Then he placed them on a clay dish. Antonio speedily chopped the potatoes and onions. He put a pinch of salt and mixed them together then cracked open eggs over another bowl. I watched him scramble the eggs; pour it on another skillet with the potatoes and onions. "Tada!" he said as he plated the omelets, which was yellow and fluffy. My jaw dropped in awe of what transpired in the kitchen. Why does he make cooking look so damn easy?

"What are these called?" I asked.

Serving me the dishes, he said, _"Tapas."_ He beamed.

* * *

><p>Alfred no longer needs me. We argued about being independent and living alone for days. "I'm old enough to be on my own, why won't you let me?" Alfred retorted. Of course I knew one day he would want to leave the nest but why am I so hurt about it? I have raised him and it makes me wonder how he came to be this way. The last words of the argument were Alfred's claim to victory. "I'm free to be whomever I want. I'm moving out and you can't make me stay." The door slammed shut as he took the last of his boxes away.<p>

The months that follow were lonely. I had sold that house and moved back to my cottage in the outskirts of the city. From time to time, I'd stay in the house by the shore. I was waiting by the pier on a cloudy afternoon. From a distance, a man waved at him yelling _'Cesas gruesas.'_ Of course I knew who that could be.

"Oi, could you quit calling me that?" I complained as he came by.

"I could, but that means whatever favor you're going to ask, I'll do nothing." He smirked and his green eyes looked at me in a way he was teasing me.

I sigh. "Fine, have it your way."

We walk by the pier and stop leaned on the fencing somewhere down the road. We faced the sea and the breeze blew directly to our faces. Antonio combed his hair with his hand and asked, "What were you going to ask?"

"How did you cope with Lovino growing up?" Like Alfred, Lovino moved out of Antonio's place and in with his brother Feliciano somewhere quite far from Antonio. He looked a little down when I mentioned it then immediately changed that face to something with a faint trace of a smile.

"Ah, that." He paused. Antonio turned to face the sea. "Well, I was lonely for the most part. But I'm happy he grew up to be a good man. I really am. I have to admit, it's goddamn hard to be a parent. I wasn't sure what I got myself into when Roderich handed me Lovino, but I'm glad he did." He smiled to the sea. "I have a question, why ask me out of everyone? I'm pretty sure Francis was a father to Matthew."

"Like as if I could face Francis seriously." I remarked.

"Haha! Good point."

I remembered how I found Alfred playing alone in the forest. It was the first time in ages I took someone under my wing. "Isn't it hard? You know, letting go?"

Antonio sighed a laugh. "Of course it is. But when you love something, sometimes you've got to set it free, right?" He beamed at me for a response. I knew he had an inkling I wasn't alright with it. I couldn't cope. It was being with my little brothers again. He tried to comfort me by putting his hand on my shoulder like we were old chums, which I think we are, in a way. "They'll come back you know." Antonio assured me.

"How are you so sure?" I asked of him.

"I'm not. But I have faith they will."

* * *

><p>We had coffee at the back deck of the house and then went for a stroll along the shore. It was a cold sea breeze. It seemed like Antonio was shivering. "Are you cold?" I asked.<p>

"No," he said, "I'm good."

"Do you remember the last time we were here?"

"Of course I do." He smiled. "I think it was the first time we chatted as friends, if you can call us that."

We took off our shoes and ran to the shoreline, kicking and splashing each other with the water. "I bet you can't hold your breath underwater longer than I can." He chuckled.

I rolled my eyes. "I bet you I can."

"Ha! You wanna go for a swim then?"

"Bare?" I widened my eyes and raised my tone.

He cackled. "Why not? It'll be like old times!" How dare he bring that up, I did that to escape from his ship after he humiliated me in front of his crew.

"Fuck you, Antonio." I muttered.

"You know you want to. But I was just kidding."

It suddenly became cloudy this afternoon. We sat on the shore and laughed at the times we shared at sea. "Well, that was fun. I better get going now though. It's been fun." He said as he pushed himself up to stand. My hands trembled and tried to reach his hand, but no, it backed away. Antonio didn't look back but he waved farewell with his right hand and carried his shoes on the left.

"Until next time." I replied, unsure whether he heard me or not. As I watched him walk away, I was feeling that sense of abandonment, rejection, of all things. Was I not ready for Alfred's offer because I was clinging on to something— someone else?

That couldn't possibly be it. Right?

Antonio was fading into the horizon. I was holding on to the shadow of my youth, a trace of my past, a distant memory that I fear might fade away. The vaguest of memories were always the ones easily forgotten.

It figured to go catch him before he blurs away.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hello, thanks for reading my first fic in _ages_. I feel like I'm quite rusty with writing them. I hope you like what I've written because I may write more in the future. On a side note, a fun fact for you! Yao mentions to visit him during the Lantern Festival. This year, the day of the Lantern Festival lands on the 14th of February, _Valentine's Day._ It marks the end of the Lunar New Year celebration and it's the time when most of China is lit up with those red lanterns. I'm not gonna bore you with further historic details but according to wikipedia, in the early practices of the festival, young adults line up the streets looking for love and matchmakers are busy pairing people up. Ha, it kind of reminds me of Mulan.

Anyway, thanks again for reading! :)


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